Let's be honest: you don't really know me and I don't really know most of you. We've established online friendships through blogging, commenting, Tweeting, posting on writing forums, and generally supporting each other down the writerly yellow brick road.
While navigating these murky waters, I realize I'm solely responsible for managing my own "brand." And yes, even little ol' me with 104 followers and zero publications has a brand that requires attention.
Perhaps it's my background in PR, or maybe it's because I honestly do care about how I present myself to others, but in this time of internet anonymity, there is one thing I hold sacred:
My word.
My word is my personal sense of integrity.
My word is my moral compass.
My word is the only thing I can give my friends and readers.
Needless to say, I'm very cautious about giving it. I have to watch how many times I agree to read things or provide feedback on pages because I will easily put aside my own writing to help others. I've had to learn balance before my "good word" is suddenly no longer good.
Here's a perfect example: A few weeks ago, a blogging/tweeting/Bransforum friend asked me to read her full ms. I was honored that she wanted my input and I immediately agreed. About a week later, I was carrying around this incredible guilt--I couldn't get to her ms right away. I emailed her my apologies but I also offered a time frame in which I could get it to her. I waited nervously for her reply. What if she said, "Never mind"? Thankfully, she understood and the entire situation was a learning experience. I gave her my word and I intend to keep it.
I bring this up because something happened a few days ago that left a very bad taste in my mouth. A friend supported a cause out of the kindness of her heart and was promised a specific something in return. Timelines were discussed and agreements reached. But a few days ago, the person who benefitted from my friend's generosity turned around and said, "Sorry, no can do. Here's my sob story. You understand, right?"
My friend was furious and rightfully so. The provider gave their good word! Instead of offering an alternative, or an equally acceptable solution (or, um, offering the money back?), the person literally took the money and ran. And worse, by giving a laundry lists of personal reasons they couldn't meet their end of the deal, my friend is in a tough spot. What is she supposed to do, argue? Demand? Publicly ridicule?
I'm sure this person is lovely and wonderful and had to make a tough decision. I like to believe it wasn't easy for them to reach this decision, but the fact remains that they didn't offer any alternative. They didn't try to manage their brand.
Here's my bottom line: I assume everyone has a "good word" until they prove otherwise. In my eyes, everyone is dealt a deck of good intentions that is theirs to lose. This might be naive on my part and I might learn some very difficult life lessons as a result. But I will sleep sound at night knowing that I have successfully managed my brand, no matter how great or small it might be.
This sort of thing makes me crazy. I mean, things happen and what we hoped we could accomplish we can't. It's happened to us all, but we also have a responsibility to do something to make up for our shortfall. In some way.
ReplyDeleteIs there anything we can do for your friend who got the short end of the stick? Is there a skill any of us could offer to help with?
Aw, Sommer--thanks for the offer. I'll extend it to my friend and let you know.
DeleteYes, I *totally* understand that life happens and sometimes we can't honor our commitments, but everyone I know would at least try to "do the right thing." (Thanks, Spike Lee!)
I so, so agree with you that we are our brand when it comes to our online presence. And not only online but in "real life" too. And by saying our word is sacred what we really mean is that our actions will follow up what we say we will do. I have to think long and hard about making commitments to people online as well, because I don't want to be THAT person who doesn't follow thru.
ReplyDeleteGood honest post.
Thanks, LG. You're right, there's a "follow through" component. Personally, it would be VERY difficult for me to not follow through.
DeleteI completely agree with you here. Personally, I try never to give my word where I know there is even a possibility that I may not be able to follow through. Though I realize that there are times when people may not be able to follow through, it shouldn't be taken for granted that other people will understand - you did well by HOPING that your friend would understand rather than ASSUMING she would.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately I think your friend was taken advantage of. If money had exchanged hands and the other person wasn't able to keep up their end of the deal, at the very least they should have given your friend her money back. In my mind, that would be the only fair thing to do.
Amanda, YES--assuming something instead of hoping is a huge distinction. To assume is to make an ass... well, you know how the saying goes. :)
DeleteI think the fact that money was exchanged is what angers me the most. I struggle to find ANY situation where keeping the money is acceptable.
It's a hard balance to find, how much trust to give to the "word" of others.
ReplyDeleteJust don't let the bad ones turn you bitter. :)
Alas, not getting bitter at this, or the entire road to publication, is the name of the game, right? ;)
DeleteI am like you - when I agree to do something, I try to do it quickly and to the best of my ability. I have found, sadly, that the favour isn't always returned... or even appreciated.
ReplyDeleteThanks for bringing up a good point, Talli. As the "recipient", we have another opportunity to manage our brand. The power of a sincere thank you speaks volumes to me. If we need people to continue helping us in some capacity (even in friendship), we need to remember to take a moment to thank those people.
DeleteIt feels like such a simple give and take, please and thank you scenario, yet it baffles me when it doesn't work out like that.
Yeah i'm always very careful to only take on what i know i can get done in a reasonable amount of time. There are definitely times where i've had to turn down requests to beta read or swap chapters because i had already committed myself elsewhere
ReplyDeleteIt's a fine line, for sure. One I'm still learning to walk. But I've learned my limits in the past month, that much I know!
DeleteSometimes the natural inclination is to want to help regardless of your personal circumstances. But it's very important to learn that it's okay to say no, especially if it means that you don't end up disappointing someone.
ReplyDeleteIn your friend's case, having your money essentially stolen makes it even worse. I hope there's some recourse there!
Nope, no real recourse since it was a charitable swap. But you raise a great point -- we have to learn sometimes that it's okay to say no. Not only is it okay, but sometimes it's the best answer for both parties, even if you want to say yes.
DeleteTL, those are some mighty wise words. Because online that's all we have. Really sorry for your friend.
ReplyDeleteI'm a slow reader (and my schedule is very full at the moment) so I've never promised to read anyone's book. However, when my blogger buddies release a book, I do promise to buy it - and I follow through. (Yes, I have a scary amount of books on my iPad.)
Yup, there are TONS of ways to support our friends online. With all the friendships you've made via blogging, I can only IMAGINE (and then run away in fear!) all the books on your iPad!
DeleteThis is a great post.
ReplyDeleteBy nature I am a people pleaser, but that means I overcommit because I want to make everyone happy and I don't want to say no. But there's only one of me, and I often end up with more on my plate than I can handle. I'm trying not to spread myself so thin, because I don't want to end up having to disappoint someone the way your friend was disappointed. Saying no is hard, but it's better than being that person!
Yes, yes, yes! I'm in the "my word is my bond" camp, and I take it very seriously. I've been in situations like you describe with offering to do a MS critique, and it bugs me so much if I can't deliver what I've promised right away!! That's such a bummer about your friend...though, sadly, not all that surprising. I don't think the vast majority of people get the true value of giving their word.
ReplyDelete