Truth be told, my head has been massively preoccupied lately. A few weeks back was Birthday Week and to say it was a disaster of epic proportions would be an understatement. But here's the kicker: I allowed it to be.
My heart was slightly deflated (not broken, no one has that power over me) and my spirits dashed. Someone close to me shared some news that I was not expecting and as a result, left me incredibly embarrassed, sad, reeling with anger at myself for not being smart enough to know better, and brick by brick, rebuilding my emotional wall.
But you know what's worse? I haven't written a damn thing since then. Not one word. I allowed this person to have such an effect (is it affect or effect? I never know...) on my energy level, my spirit, and my creativity, and that makes me even more sad, but this time sad for myself. Commence pity party. *throws confetti*
However, since I'm nothing if not a trooper, so help me God, I will be okay. I keep telling myself, "Give it one more week and you'll feel better." Then when that week is up, I repeat it. Sooner or later I will feel better, less like the fool, and more like a woman in charge of her own life.
What really bothers me is how supportive some of my friends have been, but I've been too consumed with self-hatred and sadness to really hear them. So friends, if you are reading this (and you know who you are), I love you and will mend all broken fences. You have been trying to drill the truth into this thick skull of mine and it has likely been frustrating. But I'm listening and composting on it. Please trust that.
As a new Campaigner (see this post for more info), I've been making the rounds and supporting people in my group. I was fortunate enough to come across Margo Berendsen's blog, Writing at High Altitude. Her recent post entitled, "Don't Play it Safe" hit me right in the gut. She quoted from another blog (you following?) one of their unusual writing tips:
Relate to people. The past decade has totally sucked. For everyone. The country has been in post-traumatic stress syndrome since 9/11 and 2008 only made it worse. I’ve gone broke a few times during the decade, had a divorce, lost friendships, and have only survived (barely) by being persistent and knowing I had two kids to take care of, and loneliness to fight. Nobody’s perfect. We’re all trying. Show people how you are trying and struggling. Nobody expects you to be a superhero.You hear that, self? "It's okay to tell people you are trying and struggling." It's okay to be imperfect, to be emotional, and to be human. But it's not okay to be mean to yourself and to judge your own sense of worth against ANYBODY else.
One more time:
NOBODY EXPECTS YOU TO BE A SUPERHERO.
So that's where my head has been. In an effort to feel better, I am clearing this weekend of plans. I'm picking up Season One of The Last Airbender (yes, the cartoon) from the library, stocking my fridge with brain food (strawberries, cream cheese, bagels, toast, good coffee, salad, Jameson), and will write this weekend.
I will turn off my internet access while I'm writing and will listen to classical music.
I will forgive myself now for not doing all my chores.
I will write something.
I will not cry.
*hugs* Writing is such a glorious, wonderful thing that can also be very wearing out. Knowing that you're not alone is so simple, but so powerful. Best of luck this weekend! *writing cookies*
ReplyDeleteI'll be turning off the internet and writing as well this weekend. So you're not alone. And you *will* feel better after you get some writing done.
ReplyDeleteI rarely talk about my insecurities to anyone, online and off, because a part of my brain thinks by saying it out loud I will become a weaker person and so I keep it all in this head of mine and let it singe what it touches until everything is a little bit broken. I am a pretty positive and optimistic person in real life and I stretch to find the best of situations or be consumed besides, but there's something about people with toxic lips that can totally undo me and I think a lot of it has to do with those little niggling bits I leave in my head. I know this is true about me but I am sure it is true about a lot of people, that I'd be less susceptible to the big hurts if I embraced and shared the little ones with more people who support me.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you have wonderful people in your wings who know the truth and stand by it even while you waffle. There's nothing in the world that can equal or replace that solace. You're lucky and you're very brave for admitting it all. I hope this weekend is filled with endless writing and love :-)
Amazing post. It takes a huge amount of strength to write and say these things aloud but it never hurts to do. I've been struggling with writing to, so I'm in that boat with you girl.
ReplyDeleteHello from the campaign trail.
I'm struggling right now to balance blogging, writing and my job. It's causing a lot of anxiety, but then, as you say, you cannot give in.
ReplyDeleteLet's be persistent together!
aww i'm sorry crap things are happening. But keep listening to yourself. You'll feel better, sooner rather than later, too. This is just a moment and it will pass.
ReplyDeleteAnd the writing will come back. It always does.
Hang in there! We all go through these times. You'll emerge stronger and wiser at the end.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, it helps to actually "write through" these experiences, to just get all the emotions, fears, doubts, out on the page. Plus, Sarah is right...it always comes back. :)
It's not so bad to cry sometimes. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat an inspiring post. I've been having some trouble getting back into my writing and I decided this weekend is going to be the weekend I open up that document again, too! Good luck to you!
ReplyDelete*hugs* Writing is awesome therapy. And it's free!
ReplyDeleteHi I'm a fellow campaigner and so glad I saw your post! Really inspiring, I struggle with those expectations too. Thank you!
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