Truth is, I missed it because I've been acting like mix between a jealous child and defeated dreamer. This week, I've been overwhelmed with thoughts like, "What's the point of it all? I should drastically lower my expectations. I should start to accept the fact I'll never be a writer and that I'll be stuck in my desk job until I retire. What right do I have to dream so big?"
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I eat well and exercise 4 times a week and the scale won't move. I go on dates and try to be myself, but no second ones (that makes me sound totally lame, I know.) And to top it off, I write a MG adventure book and start to think about querying this spring until a riddle pulled it apart.
On top of this, amazing things are happening for my friends in all areas of my life and I honestly am incredibly happy for them. They're working toward their dreams and goals and things are working out for them!
But remember earlier when I said I've been acting like a jealous child? Yeah, that. I'm not jealous in a "Why them?" kind of way, but more of a "That could've been me if I was better at x, y, or z." I feel like I'm watching the only Opportunity Bus drive out of the station without me but what I'm not seeing is the queue of busses on the horizon. I just need to keep working toward my goal.
So, I need to take my frustrations out on the treadmill then come home with a clean slate and start at the beginning of my story. I've spent all week thinking about my story and how to rebuild it. Enough thinking. Time to start writing. Time to start running faster sprints and adding the 2.5 lb plates on each end of the bar. Time to get back out there and stop hiding behind my insecurities.
Anything you need to confess? Anything happen this week that you want to leave behind you as we head into the weekend?
To the comments!
That would've made a great IWSG post!
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, there's not just one bus in life. It's more like a never ending train. If there's one thing I've learned about this business, it's all in the timing.
So don't give up! Your time won't come if you give up.
Funny thing is, I've often thought I'm not good enough for the ISWG.
DeleteBut thanks for always commenting, Alex. It's a great feeling to just KNOW that I'll have comments from friends like you. Makes me feel like I'm talking TO people instead of just brain dumping on the internet!
Seriously, EVERYONE gets those moments. I usually get hit at least once during a rough draft and that lasts for a day or two. And then i often have little moments of it that pop up and i have to squash it away. I find the best way to get rid of it is to just get back to work writing, no matter how you're feeling.
ReplyDeleteAnd i hear you about the working out and the scale, and the dates. Le Sigh. We are in the same boat there.
Misery loves company, or something like that, right? Fortunately, my spirit can handle only so much moping before I freak out and need to be proactive. I think this weekend will be a good one, at least on the writing front.
DeleteIt all sounds very human to me. Just don't give in!
ReplyDeleteI feel like this all the time. I'm constantly wondering if I'm a good enough writer. A lot of the time, I feel as if I'm not skilled enough to pull of the stories I have.
ReplyDeleteFor your workouts, maybe its time to vary them? try running on an incline and varying the speeds.
Also, I'll be around all weekend if you need someone to bounce ideas off of (I'll be writing too).
Cookie, maybe we could work on some #1k1hr things this weekend? My goal won't be 1k words necessarily, but reporting back to someone might help. I'm torn though because I NEED to shut down my internet access when I write. Or at least Twitter. :) Let's talk.
DeleteI know. Twitter (and the internet as a whole) is so distracting. Maybe hourly check-ins? That way we can hold each other accountable.
DeleteYep, been there done that. What helps me is a shift in attitude. I really do just want to write something really good someday and so that's what I focus on. It's not a race. Just put your head down and work on your story until you can't make it any better.
ReplyDeleteMy confession? I'm feeling behind where I want to be on my first draft and have only myself to blame. I'm quite distraction prone. :P
Wasn't it Dori in Finding Nemo who said something akin to "head down and paddle"? Or, "just keep swimming"? Same rules apply here!
DeleteI find myself easily distracted by the internet. YouTube and Twitter, especially. So, LG, what's your game plan for the weekend? Do you have a plan to get your first draft back on track?
Having insecurities makes you human. Otherwise you would be a robot.
ReplyDeleteWhen you become doubtful of your life, it's ok to step back, look and move on. You can do anything you set your mind to. You can write, work out and be yourself. Go you!
"Otherwise you would be a robot." <-- good point, Melanie. :)
DeleteMan, after blabbering about my insecurities here on a Friday, I sure hope to be able to come back and brag about something good next week! Thank you for the positivity!
I think the EXACT same way. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten discouraged and given up writing forever. And I still haven't really accomplished anything, which depresses me a lot. I just keep telling myself that if I keep plodding along, eventually I'll get somewhere.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I'm *so* glad you haven't given up writing forever. Especially given the amount of world building you seem to do--I imagine your stories are AMAZING.
DeleteAnd you're right... if we just keep going and keep working at it, even if we NEVER publish, we'll still be better off than if we had done nothing. That much I HAVE to believe.
Oh lady, I can SO totally relate. Keep pushing! That's all you can really do for now. Never stop writing :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Steph. I'm pleased to report I DID keep writing over the weekend. I wasn't pretty, but I'm getting there.
DeleteAh the monster of self doubt. 2011 was a bad year for me with that one, too. It's hard to remember we have our own paths to take and stop envying other people's paths. so I am REALLY curious how a riddle pulled apart your MG story????
ReplyDeleteLOL--sounds like a few people are curious about this riddle. I'll see if I can pull together a blog about what happened and how it unraveled the story's climax.
DeleteNeat whirlpool photo! Yep, welcome to the whirlpool of doubt and writerly insecuritiy. ;o) I've really had to learn PATIENCE this last year. Not sure I've totally conquered the concept. Best wishes as you attack your goals with gusto!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Carol. Patience? What's that? :) I'm realizing as I get older that since I don't have a spouse or children, I live in a world of instant gratification. I want to go on a trip? I book it. I want new shoes? I buy them. I have no concept of someone or some thing trying my patience, except for this story!
DeleteThis is so, so, so normal. I think it would be weird if we didn't experience these, "What the F-bomb am I even doing?"
ReplyDeleteYou really are worth it - the time, the effort, the patience, the persistance, and the friendship. Seriously. I can't wait to tell you so in March!
*hugs* Thanks, Sommer. I think Vegas is going to be so good, not only for my writing, but for my overall questions of "Is this even worth it?" I hope my time there puts me back on track.
DeleteOhmygosh, I'm positive everyone knows this feeling. Last week, I got home from work and laid on the couch because I felt so down about the whole process. And yes, I've totally had moments where my story blew apart. I think that's a completely normal part of writing. Take a couple days off and realize, the story will come together even if it is in a different way than you had planned :)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Juliana. I spent most of last week walking around in a mental fog, jotting down notes in my journal, then doing something and coming back to the journal. I really stewed on the story and finally over the weekend, I started to write. It wasn't pretty, but it was progress, which was even better...
Delete"like mix between a jealous child and defeated dreamer"
ReplyDeleteOh wow, yeah, that describes it perfectly! Been fighting this myself lately.
"What right do I have to dream so big?"
ReplyDeleteEvery single right in the world! We don't deserve success, we earn it. And what I have learned is that I can accept failure but I refuse to accept not even trying.